Tough Love: Children Protecting An Ailing Parent

Anyone with children understands the phrase “tough love”. Doing what is in the best interest of our children isn’t always something they agree with or even understand. But love really becomes tough when the parent/child roles are reversed as our parents become elderly. Knowing how to respect their freedom, maintain their dignity and yet protect them from themselves is a tricky balancing act at best. At worst, it can become a major confrontation, involving heated arguments, broken relationships and legal action. Such is the situation facing one of our readers. She writes: “My mother is 76 and was diagnosed with Dementia a couple of years ago after the death of my father. We had assumed that her strange behavior while he was dying was from stress, when it continued after his death we had her tested. Neurology revealed heaps of mini strokes and perhaps water on the brain.

“Recently a woman who has previously milked large sums of money and a vehicle from my parents reappeared on the scene. My mother had had an aversion to this woman, and the entire family was very concerned with the renewal of acquaintance…my mother having now forgotten the things that had previously upset her. We have tolerated her occasional visits, because my mother was so angry when we suggested the woman might not be good company…but something happened this week that has badly upset us.”

Our reader goes on to describe in detail how this dubious woman, who happens to be a long-haul truck-driver, talked her elderly mother into riding along on a two-week road trip, sleeping in her 18-wheeler. The woman lied to the family about where they were going, and even bragged that the mother was thinking about changing her will. With the mother’s numerous health problems, our reader and her family were obviously concerned about their mother’s safety, especially when Mom called home from a state hundreds of miles from where they were supposed to be going.

The situation has gone from bad to worse, as this woman has managed to turn the mother against her children. These are responsible children who used to have a wonderful relationship with their mother. She relied on them for advice on everything. They even have power of attorney for assets and medical decisions. But these documents don’t give them the ability to protect their mother from herself or those wishing to take advantage of her.

And that’s the rub, not just for our reader, but for every adult child of an elderly, declining parent. Even if they have a living trust, even if they have given you powers of attorney for assets and medical decisions, even if your name is on their checking account, you still can’t protect Mom or Dad from making terrible decisions.

Yes, you want them to remain independent and you want to honor their wishes. Parents should be able to make their own decisions for as long as possible, even decisions you might not agree with. But there’s a difference between respecting their dignity and allowing them to become victims of their failing competence.

The problem is knowing how to handle this “in-between” period between competence and total incompetence. Our reader makes this point vividly: “(Mom) is vulnerable. We want to protect her, but it appears we can’t until she is drooling in a wheelchair.”

So what is our reader to do? The bottom line is that the children don’t have the legal authority needed to adequately protect their mother. They need to be legally responsible for her ‘person’. They need to become her court appointed conservator.

The thought of getting attorneys and the courts involved may seem harsh. But it may be necessary. During the process, there is an attorney appointed to represent the mother. She is given psychological and physical exams designed to determine her competance. Someone else is only granted conservatorship if the court agrees that she isn’t able to adequately care for herself. This process protects the rights of the parent even though the parent may not be in a position to protect themselves.

Dealing with failing parents is very difficult to say the least. In certain situations, though, it takes tough love to do what is in their best interest, even if they don’t agree with you or understand.

Nationally-syndicated financial columnist and Certified Financial Planner® Jeffrey Voudrie provides personal, in-depth money management services and advice to select private clients throughout the USA. He’ll answer your financial question – FREE at www.guardingyourwealth.com.

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